ДОКОСНИ МЕ

При звездите се изкачихме неусетно
В краката ни градът се разстла.
За някои каменен и не приветлив -
За мен бляскав и красив сега.

Да се луташ безцелно е страшно.
Да си с някой любим е опасно.
Любовта за всички е болезнена –
Несподелена щом е тя.

Искам да дам от себе си
топлина и любов на бездомните.
Тези, с които делим свободата,
С теб сме сега в тяхна територия.

Дързостта ми не достига да призная,
само до теб да съм, не ща.
Като ухание на скъп парфюм около голо тяло
да се витая искам знам.

Отиде си от мен завинаги
страхът за утрешния ден.
Елексир от скъпа чаша пия,
не се страхувам от отрова.

PS. това е една от поемите ми,която ви изпращам, за да не ви отекча до спърт до като четете за безоблачните ми детски години :)

To Philip

To my son Philip I used to see you standing by your killer truck But someone called for it, and I sold it. I wish I had it as a tombstone by my side With the unbearable pain your death caused me. I light a candle and call your name It was almost in the dead of night, When I felt your presence as a whiff or Just as a fragrance of your breath.  “I’m here, Mom.”  That’s what I wish to hear Instead of that, you touched my shoulder. Before I knew it, you disappeared, but leave This feeling that you badly need me. I have unfinished business, son,  You have to wait a little longer! Because of you, I’ll make a last effort no matter how costly that will be! I shall be strong this time for your sister Victoria, her children, Zak and Solei, who need me.

ОЧАКВАНЕ

ОЧАКВАНЕ

Ще се завърнеш ли в твоя дом?
Където радост, мъка и любов
те оковаха в тежките вериги,
по-силно от тъмницата жестока.
Там където в безсъние и немощ,
прехвърлих целият суров живот.
Преминал и оставил стара рана
в душата ми болезнена и непокорна.

Ще се завърнеш ли любими мой,
в тази стара, вече тъжна къща
Където смях и радостни сълзи,
кънтяха и обливаха ни вечно.
И да застанеш до вратата незаключена
и да поседнеш на изтъркания праг.
Почакай ме, не си отивай мили,
ще се завърна някой ден и аз.

РАЗДЯЛА

В нощта на крайната разплата,
облякохме венчалните одежди.
Един на друг ние с тебе се обрекохме,
но съдбите ни разминаха се безнадеждни.

В шепичка животът свой
аз ти поднесох – завещах.
И вечно да съпътствам те и пазя,
нали, за сигурност това ти обещах.

Не те видях от този ден и час
Забрави ли ни ти - не знам.
Очите ти да видя искам аз,
за да живея отсега натам.

Къде ли по трънливите пътеки
се луташ кат загубен ти?
Отчаяно вървиш и светиш,
на другите отъпкваш пътят тих.

Изтръгна се от лапите жестоки
на хищниците притаени там
В скок за плячка са приготвени,
но ти завинаги остана сам.

Ще дойде ден когато ме откриеш,
приклекнала до купчината пръст.
Отчаяна от болката защото
погребах те със целият ти ръст.

ОТКЛОНЕНИЕ

В здрача на килията проклета, пропита от пищящото мълчание
Аз чух гласът на моята съдба, която ме предупреди за времето.
Замислих се за времето изминало, болезнено, горчиво се изсмях.
Не вярвах аз на думите тъй сладостни и взех решение да спра.
“Да спреш и контролираш мислите” кънтеше убедителният глас
и луташе се по стените в плесена, отчаяно се мятах аз.

“Какво предлагаше ми ти самотнико?Да те спася от съвестта ти аз,
а ти да ближеш раните, за да е доволна, таз или онази жена.
Откраднатото време не е бреме, за крехките ми плещи в тоз момент.
С лекота и дързост напоени са думите изречени от мен.
И ще отпуснеш вдигнатите длани, в молитвата за утрешният ден.
Пред друга ти ще сипеш заклинания във вярност, обич - нов рефрен.

Гласът ти чух от глъбините мои, разтърсващи се от любов.
Какво? За мен това е само празно обещание!
Попитах те предизвикателно:” Ще се пребориш ли с новият живот?”
Въпросите натрупваха се бързо, не можех да те питам аз:
“Коя е истината свята? Лекува ли те, твоята лъжа?

Сурово и безвкусно ми се стори, поднесеното с усмивка при това,
кафето черно, по-горчиво от моята и твоята съдба.
Дали от него ми просветна? И се замислих изведнъж:
“Да се спася и да се оттегля, от тоз за мен забравен мъж.”
И хвърлих в очите ти помията на времето, изминало до тук.
Събрах останките, изхвърлих ги, на ме ненужен ми е тоз боклук!

СОНЕТ ЛСП

Безизразни, опустошени са очите,
характери сломени и пречупени.
Блести в очите злоба неприкрита,
краката се влекат безсилни.

Зората е посрещната безчувствено
и никой не изпитва радост от това.
Цигарите димят в устните изпръхнали
и блъскаме се в подредената редица.

Кога ще свърши всичко отвратително.
За другите това е някаква шега,
играят на любов и влюбване
и връщат се без страх във тяхната среда.

Ръцете ми са напукани и възлести,
загубиха финес и красота –
Питам се, дали ще галят и ще са погалени
ръцете и закръглените ми бедра.

Загубих животът си тъй смислен,
видът цивилизован е съвсем унищожен.
Дали ще ми се върнат чувствата
и нуждата да не бъда унижена.

ИЗВРАЩЕНИЕ

С костелива ръка тя съдбата
ми поднесе горчивият хап.
Със жажда очаквах обрата,
да издрапам от калния трап.


Завъртя се кипящата лава,
ще изплуват влечугите хленчещи.
Тез, които топят и разправят
реквиеми не за тях, а за другите.

Черни души, непокорно ръмжат
и натискат да стъпят те искат,
върху плещите яки на другите,
що мълчат и преглъщат обидите.


И изплували те нееднократно
се връщат отново без страх,
че тук е тъй топло и приятно
в калта и трептящата прах.

My first poem

VISITING
A huge bunch of keys
the clinking sound resounded
in the deserted corridor.
The devastated hearts
beat up with sudden hope.

I heard my number and jump
In my sleep - I’m in my dream
I set out, hopeful, and I wonder
Who am I to see in this dead spot?

I am waiting by the cold bars,
Trembling, shuddering with shame.
Will I see my father or my mom?
Shuffling their feet with old age.

But this is such a big surprise!
The timid eyes and trembling hands
do not belong to no body else
Victoria and Philip have come.

I shouted or screamed, I don’t know.
They turned around and look at me
Did they recognize their mother?
Their eyes were asking worried
who is this that skinny woman?

I held them both into my arms,
Frozen hands they locked around my waist
Then all the joy felt got mixed with pain
And questions kisses and affection.

Could I warm their hearts?
Could I give them hope and love,
No matter that we were apart?
In my face the door was slammed;
They didn’t wave good bye –
Two little doves, they flew away
To go back home alone

I like to let you know that I never had a chance to edit this poems

From PAIN & PLESURE

TO MY LOVING KIDS

No matter where I am going and for how long
No matter what I am doing - good or wrong
I look for you everywhere, when hear laughter
I couldn't believe that cruel death took you away.

As if to show you the way to your new place
Your grandma followed you short after.
It turned out we were left just three -
Your sister Titty, you'r aunt Katerina and me.

But fate sends us an angel - unbelievable support
When Titty gets married to your best friend.

So, we are not completely forsaken and lost
Because of new life that we just come across.
I believe where there are crazy love and mutual respect
Children are happiness and part of "The best"

I hope their first child to be a strong athletic boy
Smart and handsome like his dad and his mom.
To be blessed with his uncle's compassionate heart
For me is enough, if they allow me to not be a part.

If my kids have a stunning beautiful girl,
I wish they'd allowed me carrying with me her.
I will teach her to sing, to play, like me to write,
To express herself as the happiest children do.

She will grow up with plenty of love
And meet real life success and luck,
Tommy will run money and business matters
Titty will teach her girl good manners.

That's what I try to say to you son
Life goes on no matter you are gone!
We miss your laughter and beautiful face,
I miss even the sleepless nights when I stay
till morning, to see if you are still alive.

Excited, frustrated, you shared your concerns
And I was amazed, you see things that farther than me.
Somehow, you knew you would not reach the age of thirty.
I am so sorry you left us so young and so soon
I will miss you forever my beautiful loving son.

SUNLAND CALIFORNIA

SUNLAND CALIFORNIA

The fragrance of coffee spread to my room and the man next to me stirred. I could hear the calm even tone of Roxy’s voice. Rocky and Philip were having a fight – everything, which reached my hearing, convinced me that I was not dreaming. I was at my friend’s house with my whole family. I got frightened that I might miss a day of my freedom and got up. I dressed up fast and entering the living room I said playful:

“Good Morning Americans! I prayed every day in Bulgaria to survive until I see my children free, but now I like to prolong my life. I hope is not too much to ask for five more years?”

Roxy offered me a cup of coffee and when saw me to light the last cigarette from the box warned me:

“Zaek be careful if you go out! The temperatures in the valley are 110 third day in a row. Coming from snowy Austria you need time to adjust.”

“This sounds not as a warning but as adventure to me! I said to my friend and left to buy cigarettes.

The hot air was vibrating in front of my eyes and as far as I could see the street was deserted. The asphalt was scorching hot and at that point I realized that I was barefoot and walking on my tiptoes. Fully absorbed from lovely gardens on both sides of the street I suddenly found myself on

Foothill Boulevard

, which was obviously the main street in Sunland.  

Frankly speaking, what I first saw was not that encouraging.  The few men that I saw seemed ordinary and these thoughts brought me back down to the earth. I think I heard my father’s voice:” Don’t you see? You are not in Beverly Hills! Sunland is kind of a village Lile, peasants are alike wherever you go.”

This woke me up somehow and I remembered that I had worn out six pairs of iron shoes until I get here. I had to find room for myself in this society. Thinking positive I entered a small store call “SEVEN ELEVEN” and I gasped for breath with surprise. The place was cold and it seemed dark and unattractive. When my eyes got used to the darkness, I saw the cobwebs and huge dead spiders and bats caught into them.

The man and woman behind the counter were dressed in rags and they had on masks of painfully twisted faces. I stood still without a word. In shock I had already forgotten why I was there.

I asked myself whether I was not in one of those places, described by Truman Capote, where cool hand killers hung around. Or, perhaps, this was a nightmare?

Both store assistants were smiling at me, while I was looking for the door. Suddenly I heard the noise of dragging feet and when I turn around I saw a woman dressed in rags with newborn baby in one hand and a gallon of milk in another. This was bit too much for my wild imagination-everything was so strange.

“Why she was carrying milk and not a bottle of red wine for the little monster?” I thought with certain indignation. But Thanks God I was already by the door when a young man entered and greeted us with an amiable smile: “Happy Halloween guys!”

As late as then I realized everything was all right and I calmed down. The people were obviously celebrating some holiday. I went back to the counter and asked for a box of cigarettes, the lady asked me friendly:

“Where are you from, honey? “

At that point I answered confidently:

“I am from Sunland, but don’t know for how long!” I got the change and went out - to be more precise I plunged into sweltering heat once again.

Yes, I was in Sunland, California, and it was only quite normal to be scorching hot I guess. I lit a cigarette and almost stifled with hot air.  I extinguished it right away.

The left side of

Foothill Boulevard

was lost somewhere in the mountains.  I took right on the main street, thinking that we came this way the previous night. The first house I saw stunned me with wonderment. I got confused because I knew that I was in the desert, but the yard of this house was real oasis. There was something unusual here. Next to the bunch of slender palms, there was a pine tree which rose up in the sky. I told myself for the sake of reassuring myself:

 “Zaek, for sure your place is here! “

I continued walking down the boulevard where the gas stations were at each corner and gasoline was 76.9c per gallon. I think I had gone as far as the end of Sunland when I saw the park.  Children were playing loudly and not far from them I saw a few men lieing down on the grass sipping beer from cans wrapped in paper.

This picture reminded me of Tortilla Flat losers and I even felt the stench of urine. I thought with a sense of endearment that I was in one of those biblical places, described by Steinbeck.

I wished my father was with me and in this moment I felt that my soul was flooded with endless love - I felt like embracing the whole planet. I leaned and spontaneously kissed the parched dry soil with a sense of gratitude and reverence.